And actually, this has been on my mind since it came through my feed when she initially posted it.
A lovely college friend, Randi, posted awhile back how she is guilty of "Once I finish... (fill in the blank) I'll start living." This hit the nail on the head and threw me back a couple of steps because I could have written that.
So I thought about it. Day after day after day. And I still am. That combined with other recent thoughts (I think a lot. Maybe that's why I get migraines? Haha just kidding) has finally shone a light on some things (although it'll end up being nothing more than word vomit on here).
This has been the way it's gone:
Once I finish high school I'll start living.
Once I finally find a boy that'll put up with me I'll start living.
Once I finish college I'll start living.
Once I get married I'll start living.
Once I have a baby I'll start living.
And the most current, Once this deployment is over I'll start living.
As Randi said, life is going by right now... and at a rapidly alarming pace. Patrick and I were talking the other day and somehow it came up that in the spring, I will have graduated college four years ago. FOUR YEARS... WHEN did this happen?! It terrifies me, frankly. I've been in a complete time suck since then and I haven't realized it till now.
And lately I've been getting this overwhelming feeling of missing college. Not that I love being married and having Maya and living in my own home-at all, because I wouldn't trade it for anything-but to jump back in time and to be able to relive those memories for a day would be wonderful. I hope we get to do that sometimes in heaven. The silly thing is, when I was AT that point in time initially, all I wanted to do was move forward, to go on to the next thing. So I thought about the moments I am in now-I can't WAIT for this deployment to be over-but one day I am going to sit back and achingly miss the moments I've had with Maya, her infancy... I'm never ever going to get this back and I'm not enjoying it like I should.
I'm so glad she made that post. I am really just going to try living right this instant and soaking it up all I can-because I am going to miss this so much someday. Are you guilty too?
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7 comments:
that is a very good point! Life is happening RIGHT NOW! Its a good thing to life by... thanks for the reminder Mandi! :)
Mandi this is so true and I am so guilty of that. When Nate was deployed I was rushing and rushing the time away... but after seeing Rae's homecoming pics yesterday I found myself missing the MC and missing moments like that. I know the seperation is so hard, but the homecoming and the first kiss is so amazing that it really makes it all worth it. It's so hard to sit back and enjoy life sometimes... but we all really should try to do it more often.
I am so guilty! I used to think, "Once I'm in Japan, I'll start living." But now that I'm here, I think so much about when I'll finally get back to the States so I can start my life there. Or maybe move to another country and start my life there. But I know that once this Japan experience is over, I'll miss it so much. I need to stop having pity parties and appreciate my time here.
And AMEN to the whole missing college thing! I miss it so much I'm almost embarrassed. For me, the year we were RAs was the best year ever.
GUILTY.
Gosh - I so needed you to write this today. Thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing this!! Definitely a great reminder for all of us!
-once i move to new york, i'll be living.
-once i get my own place, i'll be living.
-once dan and i are married, we'll be living.
-once he finishes med school, we'll be living.
-once i have babies, i'll be living.
yep.
guilty.
guilty as hell, because i live in NEW YORK CITY with the MAN OF MY DREAMS in an AMAZING APARTMENT with TWO AWESOME DOGS and still, i don't feel like i'm living.
but today, i'm going to look up at the buildings and kiss my husband and play in the park.
today i'm going to start living.
thanks, mandi.
I feel like I've ALWAYS been guilty of this. Right now it seems like this thought process is always centered around Sophie though-I can't wait for her to crawl, I can't wait for her to walk, I can't wait for her to start signing, I can't wait for her to talk, learn to read, etc. It never ends! And all the while that I'm thinking this she just keeps growing! I don't want to wish away her babyhood-I want to really enjoy each stage.
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